♥ 22 April 2006
Location
I stood in front of the mirror and sucked in my stomach. As the zipper on my pants inched upward, my face turned decidedly blue. Fearful of passing out from lack of oxygen, I released my breath and watched the zipper explode.
It was official: the dry cleaners had shrunk my last pair of good pants.
I threw on a pair of sweats and retreated to the couch to contemplate life's injustices. While I brooded, I grabbed the remote in one hand and a family-sized bag of chips in the other. I figured I'd only eat a couple. Two shows and 47 commericals later, I reached for another chip. The bag was empty.
That's when I know I was a compulsive couch consumer. No, I didn't eat couches. I ate on them. While most people are what they eat, I am where I eat. The where, in my case, being the couch - the lumpy piece of furniture I was beginning to resemble.
I tried to remember the last time I had eaten anywhere else. Although I'm pretty sure I had a dining-room table, it's buried under so much paper that I'd have to hire a bulldozer to dig it out.
That left the couch. Unfortunately, eating there led to watching TV, which led to mindless overeating, which led to - you've guessed it - exploding zippers. I had 2 choices: Buy larger pants or excavate the dining-room table. I chose the latter.
3 garbage bags later, I found the surface. A little elbow grease, a nice place mat and some dishes, and the table awaited its dinner. I sat down, absent-mindedly picked up the remote and aimed, but the picture didn't change. I zapped again. Still nothing. The TV was stuck on the nature channel. About to call the cable company and complain, I realised I was looking out of my window.
Although it took a while to re-train my feet to head towards the table rather than the couch, I discovered a whole new lifestyle. I introduced myself to pots, pans, and that large appliance in my kitchen called a stove. But cooking in real life proved more difficult than cooking on TV.
And dishes don't automatically clean up after themselves.
But I perservered. I discovered grilled veggies taste better than soggy fries. Herbs and spices add a piquant taste that ketchup can't match. And if you wash the dishes the same day you use them rather than a week, they don't need to be sandblasted.
Warming up to my new healthier lifestyle, I surfed the Internet to see if anyone had devised other ways to make eating more enjoyable without loading on the calories. I read that if you listen to soft music during meals, you eat slower and consume less. So tonight I'm dining on sole amandine with green beans to the strains of Chinese flute music. I may even light candles to provide a little atmosphere, and to hide any burnt bits.
After that, I'm going to take the zipper on my pants for a test drive.
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WHERE'S MY BLUE PLATE!?
___ @ 15:43!